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ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO PRINT!
Space-Saving
Many papers over this type of a way suffer from the fact that news does tend to exceed the amount of available space set aside for it's inclusion. The Belfast Telegraph is no exception and so by prior arrangement and with a monetary incentive (In the non Rent Boy sense of course) I have been asked to print all the tales that the Telegraph would love to include in it's own hallowed pages, but only has enough room for a two-page spread about a housewife from Newry who wore through her saucepan after twenty years of continuous scrubbing and believes she may have used the wrong type of Brillo pad.
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TRIMBLE TO FINALLY BECOME A 'BEACON' FOR ULSTER
Midst the shouting, swearing and female mud-wrestling that is Northern Irish politics, a weary David Trimble recently left the Waterfront Hall with some good news. But this is more for him than for Norn Iron, as Mr Trimble has been successful in his application to become the new lighthouse for the Copeland Islands. While in the rest of Ireland, all manned lighthouses have become automated, in the Copelands things are now being done the other way around. Mr Trimble was encouraged to apply for the post, not only because his colleagues felt he needed the rest, but also because he was the best candidate for the job over Dr Ian Paisley who was always going to be a purely audio warning to shipping. He was of course rejected, as he is already a danger to shipping. Acting for spokesman for the Ulster Unionist Party, MP Ken Maguinness outlined why the party had encouraged Mr Trimble to go for the post of lighthouse:
"Well, Davie has long desired to become a leading light in Ulster politics and now he has finally got the chance to do so. Of course we felt he would be natural for the job 'cause of that bright, beetroot face of his. Sure you can see that for miles, he's perfect!" The local naval authority agreed, taking into account the reasons for why Mr Trimble had been so essential to overnight talks at Stormont in years past, as his face lit the room so well they were able to save on electricity. Mr Trimble himself is overjoyed at his successful application and hopes to start work immediately. He is to be tied to the top of the old lighthouse within the next few weeks and to encourage the full beetroot beam on the darkest nights, he will be reminded of all the times he called Dr Paisley 'a competent politician and a true humanitarian'. The other political parties have, as yet, made little comment on Mr Trimble's new posting. On the Nationalist front, Gerry Adams has been relatively quiet as he is trying to figure out how on earth a British imperialistic invasion 800 years ago could have been carried out by a Franco-Norman king with Norman troops, Papal support and at the express request of the native aristocracy. On the Unionist side Bob McCartney stated that he wished he was a danger to shipping as well while Dr Paisley was unavailable for comment, or at least comment was unavailable for Dr Paisley.
B.T: 11/5/00 |
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MORE BREAKING NEWS SOON...WATCH THIS SPACE!
ON A MORE SERIOUS NOTE...
This website fully endorses the petition to prevent the release of the killer of John Lennon by parole this year. The same year that would have seen John celebrating his 60th birthday.
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